This is a topic on which I find is the most important to our success as a people. Most professionals would agree that the problems we see in the world stem from the problems in the home. I have always yearned for a peaceful home. The job which I only wish that I could do better, is parenting. It's not an easy thing to be a good parent. Sure you can meet their basic needs and protect them, but I don't believe it's enough. I spent years preparing to be a good house wife, an interesting person, well-rounded and kind. I like being a wife. It's easy really. I can look at how my husband and I met, how we remained pure, how we focused on our responsibilities toward each other, and know that even on the rough days, he is my bashert (my soul mate). How can I cut my arm off because it's itchy? Why would I pinch it because it's sore? I try my best not to upset him and he does the same for me.
But parenting is when even our marriage is tried. I know my parenting skills are weak because I don't know how to be a good mother to two children. I do my best, but I doubt I'll ever think it is good enough. These two precious souls and one is constantly struggling with fear and the other looks at fear and laughs while jumping off the nearest piece of furniture. I spent way too much time alone. I don't know how women have 10, 15, 20... kids. I've met families who have. They have a peace that I just only dream of having. Patience that would make Job jealous. I WANTED to be that kind of a mom. A mom that doesn't get phased by anything. A mother that never raises her voice. But I do. I yell. I hit. I cry. I give in. I hide in my room feeling stupid.
Tonight I did better. I closed my eyes when I felt like yelling. I took a deep breath. Every day I have high hopes that I will be the mother I want to be. Most days I fail miserably. But I always tell my kids that I'm working hard to control my temper. I'm asking for help constantly from Hashem. Only He can make this work. I just have to yield to Him more each day.
Thought for Today
It's not hard to push a person away. The real work is to draw him close and uplift him.
Netiv Tzaddik 31
Great post and I totally understand. When I was pregnant with John I called my best friend one day just crying my eyes out telling her I was going to screw up being a Mom...I was going to fail...and I was so scared. I expected her to comfort me with words like "don't worry you will be fine and you are going to be a wonder Mother". Instead she said "yep - you are!" I was like WHAT??? And she explained to me that I am only human and human make mistakes....we screw up....we lose our tempers & yell & throw things & regret things we say & do BUT...we also learn and we also grow. That was some of the best advice and words I have ever got. We learn and we have our good days and our bad days but we learn how to have more good than bad. Great post! We try again tomorrow! And BYW - you are a really great Mother. I have been around your children and they are a delight...which is a reflection of their parents...don't be too hard on yourself. You are good at what you do!
ReplyDeleteNow that I'm a grandmother I look back with many regrets. There has never been a day since I had my kids that I have not loved them completely and totally. From the minute they were born they were my life - and still are.
ReplyDeleteBut when they were growing up I fell short of being a good mother much more often than I ever reached the goal of doing the best thing for them.
I made so many mistakes that I still wonder what I could have - should have done or not done rather than the thing(s) I actually did that would have been better.
I know that the things I did were done with best intentions, but the truth is that I was not a very good mother. I was overwhelmed. I was not experienced enough to face some of the situations that I faced. I suffered from depression and most likely post partum depression as well.
But in spite of all the damage I did to my kids because of my failures and mistakes they are all wonderful people. And for that I give G-d all the credit. He helped them when I could not.
I know that being a mother is very difficult. But the only thing you can ever do is to do the best you can and teach them Torah. And I know you do that already. So, I also believe and have faith that they will grow up to be wonderful people too.
Excellent post, Janine.
ReplyDelete